R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
50% drunk capacity currently
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
