my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
