I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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