I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
