Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
