he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize