my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
