she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize