New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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