My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
