just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
