I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
