PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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