I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
