she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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