well I can't set my house on fire every night
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Please don't give away my fajitas
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
