Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
