do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
honey bunches of taint.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Randomize
