i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize