I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
