we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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