some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
