I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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