this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you traded sex for a burrito?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
