i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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