He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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