I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
