You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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