Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
