onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize