good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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