Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
