it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
