and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
