Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he was CRYING into my vagina
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
