he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize