I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
