The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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