dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
