remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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