It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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