I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
