if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
