He uses pillows to masturbate.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
