Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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