I can tuck mytits in my pants
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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