Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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