i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
