Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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