You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
