I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
