Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
