I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
