3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
