I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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