I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
