and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
